A typical day 3

Pluck eyebrows in doorway of tent much to the bemusement of male Moz colleagues (remember Always be bothered? this is a classic example!)

Spend day driving through stunning mountains looking for minefields (ok so it’s a bit more technical than simply looking but trust me, not sufficiently interesting enough to write about!). End up finding mines in the middle of a village, a drunk policeman a bit too enthusiastic for the local hospitality (we usually accept a corn on the cob or a live chicken – he seemed to prefer a glass of bathtub-gin!) and giving a lift to a village leader and 2 boys tied together with rope on their way to the police station (these boys had been convinced by a local witch doctor to put traditional medicine on a man’s food which had subsequently killed him).

The police Commandante (remember him? Landmines & life) came over to welcome me to his patch of grass we had set up home on. I always get a bit nervous when I have to speak in Portuguese to an official and as he left he saluted then shook my hand.

For some reason I did the same!

I saluted him! What an idiot!

In an attempt to access one minefield we needed to rebuild an old colonial road in incredibly bad condition – even Red Wings struggled to make it through – so we walked the distance asking in the communities we passed if fit strong local men wanted to come and work for us rebuilding the road – literally knocking door to door or shouting from the footpath “hey you, want to earn some money!”

By the end of it we had a trail of 20 strapping young men snaking down the path behind us. It was a good feeling knowing we woRoad buildersuld immediately be able to put money into the communities we would later be able to hand back mine-free land to.

Did monthly accounts sitting in the shade of a mango tree in the police station front yard then in desperation of internet access to email accounts to HQ drove down to South African run fishing lodge in the valley. Ended up being invited on sunset ‘booze cruise’ with bunch of VERY outrageously behaved SA fishermen – whisky, tall tales from a day of sport fishing and lots of testosterone!

A most excellent and fun night! Left them to gorge on the obscenely large t-bone steaks and headed home to my wee tent-house.

A typical day 2

A chunk falls off the newly concreted wall in the shower! Head for guesthouse breakfast…instant Moz coffee (like Nescafe granules but with chicory!) and bread rolls…try strawberry jam but tastes like jelly and not convinced its ever actually made any contact with a strawberry, try sausages – bad tinned frankfurters! Eggs…swimming in oil.

Hmm – these guys not quite got to grips with beautiful breakfast buffets yet! Eat plain bread and drink coffee.

Spend day waiting for then meeting the provincial permanent secretary – a man with the smallest feet I’ve ever seen! Then waiting for and meeting the district permanent secretary who asks about political campaigns in England (it’s election time here and there are lots of free goody bags being handed out here!). Diplomatically try to explain the differences between our 2 countries without using the words bribery or corruption!

Negotiate with Mayor at council offices to camp behind the office (this is the done thing here – you turn up in a new town on any kind of official business, head to what is the equivalent of the mayor’s office and request his permission to camp in his back garden…there is always a patch of available grass and up go the tents!!). DSCN2175

Mayor not in town. Get directed to police station, police chief says yes and we pitch tents next to the jail cell building! Laugh to myself about how my new temporary home is basically in the local police station…some things only happen in Africa I guess!

Climb into tent, spend half an hour organising my new home (I could be living here for some time) and remember how much I love camping.

Stick in earplugs to block out sounds of church goers next door reaching fever pitch proclaiming they are burning out the devil. Sleep!

Lake of Stars

View from tent

This is the view from my tent!

Needing a (I think) well deserved break from the 40 degree desert minefield I have been living in for the past 3 weeks I decided it was time to break free from Moz and head over the border to Malawi.

It’s a place I have always fancied visiting and have heard great things about (no pressure then!) and before coming to Moz I read about an awesome looking music festival called Lake of Stars.

Live music definitely being a great love of mine and not having to work too hard to convince 2 friends to join me, we road tripped over the border and spent a long weekend at possibly the most beautifully set festival I have ever been to.

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The campsite was on the beach (not exactly the mud bath of Glasto!) and as the sun went down we listened to some great African sounds lazing on the sand drinking cold cold beer…a road trip well worth the 3 hours spent getting across the border! 

 

(this phone was a promotion by the local phone provider…it was in the sea and it actually did work! I reckon 2000 people went home with this exactly same photo of themselves!)

A typical day 1

Dried fishChicken

 

 

 

 

 

I regularly get asked 2 questions when I meet someone for the first time…

1. How did you get into landmine clearance?

2. What on earth is a typical day for you?

The first I have yet to come up with a suitably exciting war story! The second…well here is what I did one day last week…so a ‘typical day’ I guess!

Wake up early to sound of mechanics across the street using an incredibly noisy piece of machinery to something no doubt very random to an unsuspecting vehicle and listen to a freight train pass 20 metres in front of my house which makes the glass in my bedroom windows rattle!

Get up and spend an hour opening and closing the ridiculously unnecessary number of cupboards in my house looking for various bits of camping kit! Find a cockroach on its back in the spare room – looks dead, leave it for the maid!

Open the back door and get pounced on by dog wanting breakfast, feed him and use the moment of non-jumping dog to pack Red Wing currently sitting in the middle of the lawn (the garden hose doesn’t reach the driveway and until I have time to buy an extension each time the guards want to wash the car I have to drive Red Wings into the middle of the garden!).

Drive to friend’s house to drop off borrowed bbq…road closed for no explicable reason so off-road it through the bairro (the shanty house neighbourhood) where the ‘road’ is the width of the car so drive past a lady literally a foot away from me waving hello whilst sitting in bed in her mud hut.

Get to work with a 30 mins to do list…4 hours later still there. Storeman on holiday so dish out various bits of kit being asked for, fill up vehicles from our compound fuel pump (which involves us pushing 3 of them across the compound as waiting for new batteries so can’t start them!).

Sign out explosives for the survey team, sign contracts for new staff, accept resignation letter from exiting staff, sign cheques for accountant. Eventually get on the road for 6 hour drive to next province as ‘advance party’ in setup of new demining programme.

Use journey to have operations catch up with ops manager and brainstorm for new programme. Get lungs and throat full of dust from road…landrovers are notoriously NOT dust proof even with all the windows shut!

Stink Red Wing out with dried fish and live chicken (requested food shopping list from deminers’ camp we are heading to). Arrive at sole guesthouse in town for last night of running water and electricity (experience automatically makes me wash hair whenever have running water and plug in laptop whenever close to a working plug…2 luxuries you just NEVER know when you might next have!).

Shower wearing flipflops (…anyone who has ever backpacked needs no explanation as to why!!), drink gallon of water, sleep!

Landmine-free Mozambique

After hosting a recent visit from a UN journalist we’ve just been sent a link to his photo slide show…pics 6 to 18 are all from my new location I’m currently setting up way up north in Moz (photo 7 is obviously by far the most stylish!)

Mozambique landmine story in pictures

Many people ask me if there really is still a problem with landmines in Moz, mainly because there are few accidents but this is only because people know where the mines are and so avoid the danger areas…

In the space of a week I’ve met 2 families whose lives have been irrevocably destroyed by landmines. One man introduced me to his wife and his son both of whom have been seriously maimed by landmine accidents and I met a young girl who not only was blinded by a landmine but the same accident killed her big brother. Speaking from first hand experience…trust me, there is still a landmine problem in Mozambique.

However there is also light at the end of the tunnel – Demining is not a never ending story

Goat testicles for breakfast

I absolutely kid you not…

We bought a goat today to spit roast for dinner. The province we are in is absolutely THE place in Moz for goat. They are everywhere. So it only seemed right – when in Rome….

I opened my tent at 7am this morning to see a man squeezing undigested food gunk out of the goats stomach. Next I saw the goat’s head waiting to be spiked and roasted (roasted goat brain is very tasty I’m told!). A plate was then proffered in my direction with what looked like little bits of chicken…

Not chicken I was told…goat testicle. I refused then clocked myself and thought if it’s good enough for my guys then its good enough for me, stop being such a wimpy foreigner (and a female foreigner at that!) so accepted the piece being offered to me and swallowed it whole.

Never let it be said that I don’t ‘go native’ when the opportunity arises!!

And the taste of goat testicle….let me just say this…DOESN’T taste like chicken…

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If you look to the bottom of the picture next to the foot of the guy holding the goat’s head you can see the hairy ‘outers’ of my testicle breakfast!

24/20

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This is the ‘nickname’ of the actions of the Mozambican Government towards the Portuguese remaining in the country after independence in 1975. The reason behind the name being incredibly sad and really quite shocking.

Back in 1975 when Mozambique gained independence and waved goodbye to years of colonial rule it was decided that with the end of Portuguese rule should be the end of Portuguese life in Mozambique. Any remaining Portuguese in Mozambique found soldiers on their doorstep threatening them with 24/20; they had 24 hours to leave Mozambique and could take just 20kgs of belongings with them.

Think about the last time you had a good clear out or you moved house. Us humans like to collect. Or think about the last time you packed a suitcase before a long haul flight. Many of these families had considered Mozambique as home for 2 or 3 generations. 20 kgs is NOT alot.

One hotel owner, whose life and savings were invested in his business, in a moment of desperation poured concrete into the water pipes of his hotel. A despondent attempt at ‘well if I can’t have this place then neither can you’. It was a desperate, desperate time.

Recently a friend of mine took on a huge expanse of forested mountain from the government. An investment tied in with an environmental interest in preservation of the ever decreasing forests in Mozambique. With farming the main occupation for the majority of Mozambicans, good fertile land is in high demand.

Mozambique is not actually a very densely populated country but once a family is farming an area it is preferred to expand and expand in that area rather than up-sticks and move to a completely new area. This means though as the lower areas are over cultivated families slowly inch up and up hillsides in the search for untouched fertile soil. I guess like the slash and burn of the rainforest.

Part of his project will be to protect the forests being inched into. An added bonus of my friend’s project is that on top of his newly acquired mountain (as you do!) is one of the many abandoned 24/20 Portuguese houses. I say house but actually I should say mansion.

On first arrival at the foot of the mountain the road up to the mansion was utterly overgrown. Living on the road with his team of locals with axes and machetes they steadily hacked away at the trees growing up through and laying across the road. Camping on the road at night and starting all over again the following day.

It took them 2 weeks to reach the top!

Although there was talk of this mansion, there was no sign of it when they arrived. A local pointed to a clump of trees and they started hacking again. Completely enveloped in the forest itself the house slowly slowly came into view. What they found was unbelievable…

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After nearly 35 years not only was the house still standing (sans roof!) but the impressive sweeping staircase and grand open fireplaces were still intact. The house had been pilfered within an inch of its life but wandering around the shell of this magnificent building, you could easily tell which rooms had been bedrooms and bathrooms and imagine life as it had been in colonial times.

Being a total romantic for such things I fell in love with the place.

This weekend we headed up there to camp out in this tumble down relic. It’s 2000mhigh so cold at night so we lit a roaring fire in the old fireplace, had a guitar singsong and drank whisky…it was like a boozy girl-guide camp!

IMG_2564The next day the guard offered to show us to a waterfall. Sometimes these things sound better than they are but we thought while we are here (and being oh-so-British) we politely accepted. We were gobsmacked when we arrived, the waterfall cascaded right off the mountain summit into the forest below – it was a view to die for.

It felt a privilege to be somewhere most people in the entire world don’t even know exists never mind will ever visit. The whole weekend was the experience you only get living somewhere rather than visiting as a tourist – exactly the experience I yearned for the many times in the past where I was spending a month here or a month there working overseas.

What a lucky girl I am!

Poor wee puppy

So am back from holiday and my relaxing break seems a world away after just a few days back in the land of confusao. Naturally there was all sorts of work stuff to deal with…like drivers who think they are Schumacher. That however is a whole other story!

Here’s one about my puppy instead…

3 things you should know…1) Normally my dog lives at my house and my maid cooks up cheap meat for him to eat. 2) My maid is currently ‘on loan’ to the office as my office cook has got TB. 3) Everyone at the office contributes a little bit of cash each month to supplement what I put in for office lunches.

So before I left town I had a wee think and came up with a  plan of how to feed my dog while I was away – leave money as normal for what would normally be for my lunch but in this case the food was to be dropped at my house for the puppy. Just in case (!) I left a few tins of dog food with my guards.

I thought all in all a simple solution. It would appear I just thoroughly confused everyone. I returned back on Sunday to a starving puppy…

I was reliably informed by my house guard that the tins of food had run out on the Weds….but the tins were only meant to be for  emergency!

When I asked at the office I was told – for some utterly explicable reason – my dog’s name had been added at the bottom of the lunch list (!)…that meant I pretty much insulted every single last employee by implying that I considered them to eat the food of dogs! Bearing in mind in Moz dogs are generally not kept as pets so it’s already quite an absurdity in their minds that I have this dog as a pet.

So THEIR solution was to NOT feed the dog with the lunch food but instead to send someone to buy dog food with the money I had left…. Sounds like another simple plan? That’s what they thought.

Unfortunately Chinese whispers then took the helm…the logistician told the maid NOT to cook food at the office but instead buy dog food. The maid went to the house and told the guards she was going to buy dog food. The guards told her there was no need as I had left tins of food already. The maid returned to the office, stopped cooking food for the dog and life continued as normal…so no food from the office, no food at the house….you can see where I’m going with this….

On the Friday the maid telephoned the logistician to say the guards had telephoned her to say there was no food for the dog….no s**t Sherlock! Then it was the weekend and no-one works on a weekend…hence by Sunday one heck of a hungry dog!

Welcome to my world!!!

It’s all about the team dynamics

Table Mountain panoramic

Success! I have managed to get my first family member to visit Africa. On the way back (well kind of!) from a trip to New Zealand, baby sis and hubby dropped by South Africa. With another friend jumping on a flight from London to join us, we were all chinking beers bottles our rather trendy Cape Town boutique hotel before we knew it.

Cape Town – in fact probably the whole of South Africa – is definitely best enjoyed in the sunshine. They are a nation of ‘outdoorsy’ folk so the downpour which ensued for our entire arrival night and well into the following day was not a good omen.

There was a slight dip in the “group dynamics” as it started to look like the ‘Leach ticklist of stuff to do’ might not attain quite as many ticks as planned.

Luckily the pre-planned schedule of activities wasn’t laminated (phew!) so with slightly fuzzy heads from a night on Long Street and a few phone calls by baby-sis, we jumped ship from Cape Town and headed for Cape Point…NOT the most southern tip in Africa but definitely the most tourist friendly most southern tip in Africa.

We must have been following the sun and within a couple of hours we had clear blue sky. The tick list started getting ticked…penguins on Boulders beach, Cape Point light house, whales breaching in Hermanus, wine tasting in Stellenbosch…by the time we rolled back into Cape Town the sun had even beaten us there.

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Abandoning the boys to their rather smelly fish-chum boat trip to dive with sharks, baby sis and I headed to Simon’s Town. Donning what can only be described as the least flattering of wet suits ever (with a thickness which worryingly seemed more suited to the chilly waters of the British Isles) we went scuba diving! It was a first for baby-sis and she took to it like a ‘fish to water’ (sorry!). A few beers later and the boys turned up to entertain us with stories galore of the Jaws-esk day they had had.

The sun decided to stay for the rest of the week so we hiked up Table Mountain and took the obligatory tourist trip to Robben Island. Safe to say a few beers were sunk, unbelievable seafood was eaten and many MANY photos were taken (mostly by Mr Leach!).

I remain Cape Town’s biggest fan…

Final point…for comedy value…the award for best holiday snap goes to….drum roll…baby sis (sorry Mr Leach)!

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Bribery & corruption

I went to Zimbabwe the other day. It’s only 50 miles away so just like nipping from Manchester to Liverpool…except a LOT more hassle it would seem.

A friend needed to do a border run to renew her visa…easy enough to do. I am a resident here so don’t have any problems…that didn’t stop Zimbabwe trying to make life difficult for us though.

We were travelling in her personal car so as to not be our usual conspicuous selves in our white NGO radio-clad trucks! She had only just bought the car so as in any country it takes a wee while to do change of ownership. However we had a piece of Government official paper to say it was her car, maxed out with official stamps and signature scribbles.

We made it out of Moz no problem and made our way through no-mans-land, slowly weaving past the tailback of fuel trucks trying to get petrol into Zim, towards the Zim border. As soon as we walked in to present ourselves, our passports, our dollars and our car papers we knew we were in for a long wait. We bumped into the Mozambican lady who had sold my friend her insurance…they chatted for a while as I queued for our immigration forms.

This lady is Mozabican and is married to a Zimbabwean. They both work in their respective home countries so the border crossing is a regular weekend event for them. She was having some issues because of some miniscule problem with her car – a cracked brake light or something totally insignificant like that. Hearing that we held our breath as we handed our car papers over.

Lo-and-behold (!) they were handed straight back to us accompanied by a shaking head. “Sorry madam, we cannot believe this car is yours”.

I won’t even bore you with conversation which then followed but is involved lots of very formal english being spoken (by them) and lots of clenched teeth smiling and nodding (from us) as we ping-ponged the papers across and back the counter.

Their problem was that our temporary ownership papers were in Portuguese (gee – what a surprise, we live in Mozambique) and their “Government designated official working language” (they actually said that) was English.

Their implication was that we could have forged our papers and therefore they could not allow our car into Zimbabwe. The problem was that they WOULD let us in (having just paid our $70 visa fee!) but not the car.

Maybe there was another solution we could offer them they asked? We knew exactly what they were implying …maybe we could ‘aid the entry process’. We were on the edge of a blindingly huge crevasse…if we jumped in feet first it would be blatently embracing the rife corruption which is crucifying this part of the world but at the same time how self-righteous and moralistic can you be whilst at the mercy of some jobs-worth immigration official.

Our Mozambican friend approached – she could see we were struggling – and said maybe her husband could help. He was a friend of the top-dog there. He spoke quietly to the guy behind the desk – I mean literally 2 or 3 words max – and before we knew it our papers were being stamped and we were waved through the gate.

What he said I don’t know, maybe they are the same tribe, maybe he was owed a favour…in any event by accepting his help we had still really accepted a corrupt favour.

Onward into Zim we had been told about a little known garden cafe, garden in the sun, chilled music, banana fritters, quiche and chocolate cake! We were sold. It was a bit of a mission (just to add to our day!) but find it we did. We walked in and straight over to the menu which indeed listed a multitude of sinful treats!

We went to order, my mouth watering, only to be told they were sorry but the only thing they had was….pork chops! PORK CHOPS!

My friend is a vegetarian – she was practically crying by this point…3 hours through immigration and no quiche, no cake…no nothing! They promised to make her some vegetarian pasta and I opted for the same (I mean…pork chops…come on!). We solemly sat down in the garden thoroughly hacked off.

Then…the pasta arrived…with sun dried tomatoes, olives, feta (all pretty much unobtainable in our wee town)…then they told us they had some chocolate cake left…things were looking up….then….

a girl came over to offer us her copy of Hello! magazine!! Yay!!

Sarah in Zim with Hello

3 hours later, fed, watered and filled with gossip we drove to the highest hill we could find to look down over the mountain range which marks the border between Moz & Zim…what a stunning view…not such a bad day after all but my word what a mission!

In Zim looking at Moz crop

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