Cheap as chips

February 4, 2010 at 4:12 pm (Life & work in Mozambique)
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Everytime anyone (me included) drives out to a minefield you invariably get someone running behind the car frantically waving and shouting to catch your attention as you drive out of the compound gates.

 It’s inevitably for 1 reason only – so they can put in their ‘order’ (either that or you’ve got a flat tyre!)

Let me explain…

The majority of the fruit, veg, fish, meat and the like you buy at the markets here is farmed by the rural guys out in the countryside then walked, cycled or driven into town to be sold at the markets…at a premium price obviously to make it worth their while!

If however you happen to be out in the bush where these goodies are all grown you can, shall we say, cut out the middle man and get absolute delights for a bargain price (plus your shopping tends to be in significantly better shape having not spent several hours in the back of an overloaded pickup truck or being bounced around on a bicycle being brought into town

(I swear I have seen maybe 30 chickens hanging off bicycle handlebars squawking to high heaven and goats strapped to the back of bicycles bleating pathetically resigned to their sad fate).

Depending on which minefield you are going to will depend on your shopping list. So head out west to one of our minefields next to a dam and requests for fresh fish come in abundance. Head south east and its pineapples, south west and its mangoes and bananas. Head north and I guarantee you will get a request to buy a goat!

My request list this week;

2 freshly caught bream…£1

2 medium mangos…20 pence

10 bananas…15 pence

1 big pineapple…20 pence

5 oranges…10 pence

(just for the record a live goat will cost you about £15).

Stuck in the office last week I popped out to the supermarket and bought 1 apple…60 pence!! (the only fruit NOT cheap out here but sometimes you just REALLY REALLY want an apple)

Now am back out in the bush where life becomes…well…back to basics

 

This is how we pay salaries

 

 

This is how we commute to work

 

This ‘office’ is how I cope with staring at a laptop screen all day!!!

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Incorrect use of indicators!!

January 19, 2010 at 7:37 pm (In my opinion, Life & work in Mozambique)
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A phrase shrieked at volume to any pour soul unlucky enough to be stuck in a car with me after dark. But SO true!

Basically over here in Moz as soon as the sun goes down – as elsewhere in the rest of the world – car headlights are switched on. No problem.

Cars over here – as elsewhere in the world – have indicators to ‘indicate’ to other drivers. No problem.

However…for some absolutely inexplicable reason, which can only be explained by the phrase uttered with alarming regularity out here TIA (This Is Africa), drivers over here have an inability to correctly use them…

BIG problem.

This is how indicators are used in Moz to ‘indicate’;

1) when about to turn left or right – correct.

2) outside indicator on to inform the driver behind you that a car is coming in the opposite direction and therefore you should not attempt to overtake – INCORRECT!

3) inside indicator on to inform said driver he may now overtake as the coast is clear in the opposite direction – INCORRECT!

4)…and this gets the biggest shriek…to inform the driver coming in the opposite direction where the outside of your car is!!

I am absolutely not kidding here!! It’s to inform perfectly sighted, perfectly able, perfectly intelligent drivers where the outside of the oncoming car is!! Bear in mind here cars out here are not some special design where the headlight is not placed…oh yes…on the outer edge of the car…oh yes….right next to your indicator!

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

I’ve stopped driving after sundown!

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You look fat

January 14, 2010 at 5:55 am (In my opinion, Life & work in Mozambique)
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I SWEAR it’s a compliment over here! And the first words to tumble out of the mouth of my Mozambican accountant. It means you look well or you look healthy…but even so!

After a nice long break back home for Christmas and a journey back to Mozambique something akin to Planes, Trains and Automobiles thanks to the British snow, I have swapped my minus 3 degrees for plus 30 degrees.

 Snow in England looks picturesque but makes getting anywhere quite a challenge!

Mum and I slip and slide to the shops!

Everyone needs a break once in a while to recharge the batteries and simply switch off from work mode but now I’m back and raring to go.

I wondered to myself on my journey back what this year has in store for me.

2009 was quite a learning curve year, not just work wise but on the culture front too!

I was educated by my Mozambique colleagues on the finer points of what life is REALLY like in Mozambique…not surprisingly it’s not all seafood and scuba diving!

Stories from the slightly scary of being forced into hiding in the reeds of the riverbank every single night for several years during the war through to the slightly surreal of having an audience will you consummate your marriage on your wedding night peppered my working day!

And without a shadow of a doubt I have laughed til I’ve cried from some of the single funniest one liners from my ops manager!

The oddities which once made me wonder whether I was mad moving here have now become the norm (and are actually quite fun!)…I am confident in the pitch black of an evening powercut I could locate torches, candles, matches within 30 seconds, could rustle you up at least a 2 course meal to be enjoyed by candlelight, we could watch a DVD movie and I would certainly have enough water stored for you to have a nice bucket wash!

In fact during one night time powercut, the laptop battery having run out, having finished my last decent book, it being too late to go out and take refuge at a friends house and at 8.30 was too early even for me to go to bed, that I managed to paint half decent looking butterflies on my wall (by the light of my trusty head torch)!

Let me explain…it’s impossible to get decent pictures out here! Ah ha…no problem for Misshelen…take one paintbrush, a pot of paint, sanddown and repaint a reclaimed window frame et voila!!

Oh yes, how different life is out here!

Every person has a story to tell and I learned last year that no matter how busy life gets it’s worth taking the time to stop and listen to their tales – I fully intend to practice what I preach in 2010!

 As for 2010; I’m going to be an aunty again, I’ve a couple of new year’s resolutions which i’m trying to keep and I think the big bosses might have a move in store for me…but other than that who knows what’s ahead…?!

 Happy new year to everyone!

Let me know what your new year’s resolutions are…

       …..have you broken any yet??!! 

                                 Never too old to build a snowman!

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Jingle bells, how rubbish is Hels…?

December 24, 2009 at 6:26 pm (My real home)
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I have single handedly failed to send Christmas cards this year. I apologise.

However, in my defense…1). I have been living in Africa until a few days ago and 2). I was banking on cards, stamps and a post box in Heathrow..1 of which failed to materialise so it was either postcards from London for everyone or….

a blogged best wishes so here I go…

Wishing you a very merry Christmas! I am very impressed you have managed to have a word with the man upstairs and make it feel very Christmassy for us returning Brits…very festive! Thank you!

I hope this year has been good to you. I have felt incredibly lucky this year and had some truly amazing experiences.

So I raise a glass (of mum’s mulled wine if you want to know!) to a fabulous Christmas and a truly smashing 2010.

See you next year!

p.s and lets face it THIS is what a family Christmas is all about…(and yes that IS the chef still wearing his cooking apron!)

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Our HR department ‘bush-style’

December 7, 2009 at 12:05 pm (Life & work in Mozambique)
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The last few weeks we have been recruiting and training new demining teams. We try to recruit locally wherever possible so this recruitment drive was very much based out in the bush!

Once we have our teams it’s time for some HR admin…this is how we do contract signing in the bush…

Man sits down, ask his name, he says a weird and wonderful name like Viola Mesa (roughly translated from local language to Portuguese to English this is Violin Table). Ask how to spell it in local language, he doesn’t know so write phonetically.

Ask if he is single or married, he says married. Legally married? Does he have a ‘wife’ or a ‘woman’? (There is a difference! Over here men sometimes ‘take a wife’ so they might never legally marry the women they spend their lives with but they will consider themselves married and refer to their partner as their wife. We need to know which one it is for insurance and the like).

It’s particularly confusing as the word for woman is mulher, there is no word for wife so they use mulher!

Complete all his details like his address…normally along the lines of the white house next to the big tree in so and so village.

Ask him if he can read. If yes he reads his contract, if no we read it to him.

Ask him if  he can he write, if yes he writes his name to sign his contract. If no we smear his finger with ink and press his fingerprint onto the bottom of the contract.

All of this is done sitting at our good old plastic table and chairs, in the shade of a huge mango tree, weighting down contracts from blowing away in the breeze with rocks plucked off the ground next to us, with me dashing off every few minutes to print another contract from my dusty old printer stashed in the back of my landrover and being powered off the car battery!

It’s HR but for sure not as we know it in England!

                                Contract signing ‘bush-style’

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40 litres on your head

December 1, 2009 at 1:05 pm (Life & work in Mozambique)
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The last few weeks have been tough, and tiring, and frustrating…hence radio silence on the blog for a while. After a rough day in the field the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and re-live the day by writing about it. It would probably have been slightly therapeutic but still not enough to motivate me to do it.

In all honesty more often than not (don’t read this part mum!) I hit the bottle! Ok so not seriously but sometimes a strong G+T is the only thing which hits the spot. Anyhow, its medicinal..well the tonic part is…and the gin just makes it taste nicer!

So having set up one new programme I thought setting up the second would be child’s play. A few things I failed to factor in however - the first time round I had a good support team…an accountant, an ops officer, a storeman, a logistician…this time round the accountant was…well…me! Oh yes and the ops officer, the storeman and logisitician all rolled into one.

This programme is meant to be just an extension of my existing programme but that’s easier said than done when the 2 programmes are 7 hours drive away (NOT on a good road!).

In the words of a journalist who recently interviewed me, I was running the programme out of “a rudimentary shelter serving as an office” (The devil is in the detail) so after a few weeks of hardship I was ready to start sleeping in a bed again surrounded by 4 brick walls.

On one of my last days in the field I had a wee chat with a couple of young children. Next to our camp was the local well, the water supply for hundreds of families, and each morning I watch the local women lining up to fill their jerry cans before starting their long walk back home to begin their chores.

To be honest the whole thing was quite amusing as this water hole was quite the local mothers meeting…all sorts of gossip was passed down the line as the women patiently waited their turn.

This morning 2 children turned up so I went over to speak to them. Although shy at first the older, slightly bolder of the two girls eventually gave me a small smile, told me her name was Maria and she was 10 years old. She had been sent with her little sister to collect water for the family.

Walking 2 kms to the well she fills up a 40 litre jerry can, hoists it on to her head and walks the 2 kms home (her little sister is ‘in training’ so only has to carry 20 litres!).

As I helped her hoist her dripping bright yellow container onto her head I asked her if she goes to school, she said sometimes. I asked her how often she has to collect water and she said every day. She is 10 years old!

Maybe my few weeks living in a tent and working from my ‘rudimentary office’ is not so tough after all!

 

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A typical day 3

November 9, 2009 at 3:26 pm (Landmines, Life & work in Mozambique, Uncategorized)
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Pluck eyebrows in doorway of tent much to the bemusement of male Moz colleagues (remember Always be bothered? this is a classic example!)

Spend day driving through stunning mountains looking for minefields (ok so it’s a bit more technical than simply looking but trust me, not sufficiently interesting enough to write about!). End up finding mines in the middle of a village, a drunk policeman a bit too enthusiastic for the local hospitality (we usually accept a corn on the cob or a live chicken – he seemed to prefer a glass of bathtub-gin!) and giving a lift to a village leader and 2 boys tied together with rope on their way to the police station (these boys had been convinced by a local witch doctor to put traditional medicine on a man’s food which had subsequently killed him).

The police Commandante (remember him? Landmines & life) came over to welcome me to his patch of grass we had set up home on. I always get a bit nervous when I have to speak in Portuguese to an official and as he left he saluted then shook my hand.

For some reason I did the same!

I saluted him! What an idiot!

In an attempt to access one minefield we needed to rebuild an old colonial road in incredibly bad condition – even Red Wings struggled to make it through – so we walked the distance asking in the communities we passed if fit strong local men wanted to come and work for us rebuilding the road – literally knocking door to door or shouting from the footpath “hey you, want to earn some money!”

By the end of it we had a trail of 20 strapping young men snaking down the path behind us. It was a good feeling knowing we woRoad buildersuld immediately be able to put money into the communities we would later be able to hand back mine-free land to.

Did monthly accounts sitting in the shade of a mango tree in the police station front yard then in desperation of internet access to email accounts to HQ drove down to South African run fishing lodge in the valley. Ended up being invited on sunset ‘booze cruise’ with bunch of VERY outrageously behaved SA fishermen – whisky, tall tales from a day of sport fishing and lots of testosterone!

A most excellent and fun night! Left them to gorge on the obscenely large t-bone steaks and headed home to my wee tent-house.

p.s for more ‘typical day stories click here

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A typical day 2

October 31, 2009 at 5:19 pm (Life & work in Mozambique)
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A chunk falls off the newly concreted wall in the shower! Head for guesthouse breakfast…instant Moz coffee (like Nescafe granules but with chicory!) and bread rolls…try strawberry jam but tastes like jelly and not convinced its ever actually made any contact with a strawberry, try sausages – bad tinned frankfurters! Eggs…swimming in oil.

Hmm – these guys not quite got to grips with beautiful breakfast buffets yet! Eat plain bread and drink coffee.

Spend day waiting for then meeting the provincial permanent secretary – a man with the smallest feet I’ve ever seen! Then waiting for and meeting the district permanent secretary who asks about political campaigns in England (it’s election time here and there are lots of free goody bags being handed out here!). Diplomatically try to explain the differences between our 2 countries without using the words bribery or corruption!

Negotiate with Mayor at council offices to camp behind the office (this is the done thing here – you turn up in a new town on any kind of official business, head to what is the equivalent of the mayor’s office and request his permission to camp in his back garden…there is always a patch of available grass and up go the tents!!). DSCN2175

Mayor not in town. Get directed to police station, police chief says yes and we pitch tents next to the jail cell building! Laugh to myself about how my new temporary home is basically in the local police station…some things only happen in Africa I guess!

Climb into tent, spend half an hour organising my new home (I could be living here for some time) and remember how much I love camping.

Stick in earplugs to block out sounds of church goers next door reaching fever pitch proclaiming they are burning out the devil. Sleep!

p.s for more ‘typical day’ stories click here

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Lake of Stars

October 25, 2009 at 4:01 pm (Adventure, Expeditions & Travel)
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View from tent

This is the view from my tent!

Needing a (I think) well deserved break from the 40 degree desert minefield I have been living in for the past 3 weeks I decided it was time to break free from Moz and head over the border to Malawi.

It’s a place I have always fancied visiting and have heard great things about (no pressure then!) and before coming to Moz I read about an awesome looking music festival called Lake of Stars.

Live music definitely being a great love of mine and not having to work too hard to convince 2 friends to join me, we road tripped over the border and spent a long weekend at possibly the most beautifully set festival I have ever been to.

DSCN2227

The campsite was on the beach (not exactly the mud bath of Glasto!) and as the sun went down we listened to some great African sounds lazing on the sand drinking cold cold beer…a road trip well worth the 3 hours spent getting across the border! 

 

(this phone was a promotion by the local phone provider…it was in the sea and it actually did work! I reckon 2000 people went home with this exactly same photo of themselves!)

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A typical day 1

October 25, 2009 at 3:41 pm (Life & work in Mozambique)
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Dried fishChicken

I regularly get asked 2 questions when I meet someone for the first time…

1. How did you get into landmine clearance?

2. What on earth is a typical day for you?

The first I have yet to come up with a suitably exciting war story! The second…well here is what I did one day last week…so a ‘typical day’ I guess!

Wake up early to sound of mechanics across the street using an incredibly noisy piece of machinery to something no doubt very random to an unsuspecting vehicle and listen to a freight train pass 20 metres in front of my house which makes the glass in my bedroom windows rattle!

Get up and spend an hour opening and closing the ridiculously unnecessary number of cupboards in my house looking for various bits of camping kit! Find a cockroach on its back in the spare room – looks dead, leave it for the maid!

Open the back door and get pounced on by dog wanting breakfast, feed him and use the moment of non-jumping dog to pack Red Wing currently sitting in the middle of the lawn (the garden hose doesn’t reach the driveway and until I have time to buy an extension each time the guards want to wash the car I have to drive Red Wings into the middle of the garden!).

Drive to friend’s house to drop off borrowed bbq…road closed for no explicable reason so off-road it through the bairro (the shanty house neighbourhood) where the ‘road’ is the width of the car so drive past a lady literally a foot away from me waving hello whilst sitting in bed in her mud hut.

Get to work with a 30 mins to do list…4 hours later still there. Storeman on holiday so dish out various bits of kit being asked for, fill up vehicles from our compound fuel pump (which involves us pushing 3 of them across the compound as waiting for new batteries so can’t start them!).

Sign out explosives for the survey team, sign contracts for new staff, accept resignation letter from exiting staff, sign cheques for accountant. Eventually get on the road for 6 hour drive to next province as ‘advance party’ in setup of new demining programme.

Use journey to have operations catch up with ops manager and brainstorm for new programme. Get lungs and throat full of dust from road…landrovers are notoriously NOT dust proof even with all the windows shut!

Stink Red Wing out with dried fish and live chicken (requested food shopping list from deminers’ camp we are heading to). Arrive at sole guesthouse in town for last night of running water and electricity (experience automatically makes me wash hair whenever have running water and plug in laptop whenever close to a working plug…2 luxuries you just NEVER know when you might next have!).

Shower wearing flipflops (…anyone who has ever backpacked needs no explanation as to why!!), drink gallon of water, sleep!

p.s for more ‘typical day’ stories click here

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